Things have gotten wayyyy to fucked up for me to even try to rationalize. I can’t stand to be around him, I don’t want to be around him. I just want to be alone and shit, he can’t give that to me. “Make me happy and I’ll stop pissing you off.” Honey, I can’t, nor will I, make you happy if you just piss me off. I want to be happy and I want it to work out well. I don’t want to have regrets about being around you because that is all that I feel right now. Every time I am around you I just want to hurt you. You don’t even understand how violent you make me feel, that isn’t normal. That is not normal at all. It worries me because you bring out the worst in me. You bring you out everything that is terrible in me. I am trying to be a better person, but the second that I am around you, everything goes right out the window and I am so livid I could do something I regret. One day, I just might. You might push me too far and I will do something I regret. Maybe I just need to get away from you. I am looking for another job just to get away from you. The saddest part about that is, we aren’t even together that much and I feel that way. Because whenever we are, I am extremely angry. So much anger, like what I am hoarding, isn’t good for anyone.

When I think of you, for whatever reason, I see my future with you in it. Though I know that won’t happen because you love yourself and I hate myself with everything. I can’t help it, well I can. I just don’t want too. But I am going to change that! I promise I am. It will take time and you will see. I can be beautiful all around.

I can’t decide how to go about certain things. I can’t decide how to deal with all the stress. It is constant stress and it’s almost painful to try and keep it all inside. So here I am, once again, to pour out all of my heart and soul to keep me sane.

I want, more then anything, to be happy. I also want to be  happy with him. I don’t understand why I keep going back to him. Why, regardless of the distance that grows between us, we always find our way to each other and things are never weird or awkward or anything. They are normal, like we haven’t seen each other in a few days. Sometimes it’s months and years that past before we see each other and yet, we click. We always click. If not right away, then a few days later.

We can talk to each other about so much stuff. I can go to him about anything, I can count on him to be there if I need it, almost always. And when I was stranded, he seemed hurt that I didn’t call him to come to my rescue. I thought that was sweet. He doesn’t mind if I want to sleep in his arms for a little bit. He doesn’t mind if I lay on him or sit on him or if V-bee needs him, he’ll go. We know each other on the inside. He’s one person I haven’t wanted to rush things with, but one person who I don’t know if I can trust.

I can honestly say that I am an idiot. I let the one person that I knew cared the most about me go and I can’t stop torturing myself about it. It is something that I think about a lot and something that I relive every single day. I can’t stop just wishing that maybe if things had gone a certain way, everything would be different now. I held onto something that was terrible for me. I held onto with both hands and it took me forever to finally let go. And when I did, I was lonely and I had pushed everyone away from me. Which landed me where I am today. I made bad choices when I was heart broken and now it seems I’m heart broken even more but this time, I did it to myself. I broke my own heart. No one else did this to me, no one else made me do it. I just did it without really fully grasping on reality and here I am faced with it and I don’t like it. I want to change every thing about my situation and about my life and I don’t know how. I feel like when I do what I need to do, I’ll feel more alone then ever. But maybe that is what I need. Maybe I don’t need to be with anyone right now because I need to just focus on my daughter and myself. Maybe that is all I need for now? I don’t know but I know that every day I do this, my heart continues to break.

I was told, by you, that you wanted to be here for me. You wanted to be able to take care of me, you wanted to be a great dad. You know, I had so much faith in you. I believed you when you said those words to me. Then things started to fall apart. You said we had all the time in the world (meaning the nine months I’m pregnant) to figure everything out and to get settled and to do what needed to be done. But we don’t. Time flew and look, our daughter is almost here. I’m working and I’m working and I’m working my butt off for my daughter because I know that is what needs to be done. You on the other hand, are not doing your part.

Having a child is a huge responsibility. Do you not understand that? I told, repeatedly, that if I have to work my ass off WITH you here, with you being with me, I’ll just do it alone. I thought that you would realize that you need to man up, I thought that you would get that you have to work more, you need to become a man and stop being a little boy. You haven’t realized that. I don’t know if you ever will and it’s sad. Here I am trying so hard to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you just continue to prove everyone else right. Do you know how much stress you’re putting on me? Do you realize how much I am starting to resent you? I can’t continue living this lie. I have a plan figured out. I know how I’m going to do this, it’s going to be a little hard and annoying. But I can do it and I will. I will do this without you. 

Yes, without you. I can no longer feel pity for you, when I stand up for myself. I can’t let you try and tear me down when I have this little girl growing inside me who will be dependent on me for the next eighteen or so years. This is MY life and you just are not mature enough to handle being a parent. I do not regret getting pregnant. This little girl has brought me and my sisters so much closer, it has brought my family and I so much closer. I thank you for that, but I can’t have you around me, I can’t have YOU dependent on me because you are too lazy to work and do what needs to be done. It takes two to make this work and I’m fighting for my daughter and you’re fighting for yourself. It just doesn’t mix. I’ll do this alone. I’ll do what I have to do for my daughter. When you grow up, we can try again. But honestly, by that time, I may be better off alone or I will have found someone who is willing to put my best interest before his own. I will have found someone who will love me for me and who will do what needs to be done to provide for his family. Even if it’s for a child that is not his own.

You will realize you messed up, you missed out on something that could have been so beautiful. This was your own fault. Don’t you dare try and make me feel like shit for your own mistakes. Think back on what you did not do and hopefully, the next girl you decide to have a child with, you’ll be much more mature for the child and the mother. Because right now, you are nothing more then a boy. I can’t raise this girl with a boy. I hold nothing against you, just know that I will leave and you will not stop me this time.

Once upon a time, we would have worked. We would have made a great team together. Both of us so confident and happy together. I never doubted what a pair we made. Now it’s just a memory, long lost from my mind. Something that may have happened in another life. Something that maybe wasn’t supposed to happen now. We have had our ups and our downs… most of our downs were honestly my fault. I’ll admit that now, whereas before I would not have. Yet you stood by my side, you were the shoulder I cried on repeatedly, you were the hand that helped me up, and my support when no one else was around. I am grateful that I had that chance with you, to have you as my friend and as a lover, so to speak. You never judged me for my mistakes and never laughed nor did you criticized me when my heart was broken by the same person again and again. Instead you stood there, with your head held high and helped me do the same. With you, I saw beauty in myself that no one else could make me see. I saw passion in your eyes when you looked at me and yet you were something I just couldn’t keep. I kept hurting you. I hurt you so much, beginning from the first day we met and I haven’t stopped. And no matter how upset you get, no matter how angry you are at me for it, you stay by my side when I need it most. You let me close to you and then I run. But I have never once shut you out of my life. I have never once shut you out of my feelings. Even if I tried, you would know. Because you always knew when I was hurt, or when I was falsely inlove, or when I was lying to you about my feelings. You know I can’t deny them. You know how to draw them out of me without questioning me. You give me my space when I need it, you give me love when I need it, you make me see what I can’t. And yet, I ruined something that could have been so beautiful. All because of that passion that you hold in your eyes. You think you’re incapable of truly loving someone because of all you have gone through. You think that I hurt you out of spite, maybe. Because knowing how you feel, I still hurt you. I know how sensitive you are and I know how hard it is for you to let me in after all the times I have hurt you. I regret each and every time and if ever I get the chance to change it. I would happily do so. I want to be everything you have ever been to me. I want to give you back everything you have given me. I honestly have loved you from grade six. Because you looked at me differently. You showed that you cared and no matter if I hurt you, that you would still care for me and I love you for that. I love everything about you and I always will. You hold a special place in my heart and I need for you to know that. No matter what happens in our lives, no matter how far we drift apart. I will always love you. I have loved you more then I realized and I’m sorry that it took me getting pregnant to realize this. You were the one I was too blind to see. And I regret that every day I yarn for you. I regret walking away from every opportunity you gave me to be with you. For slowly closing the door on you when you clearly left it open for me to walk through. I’m sorry for everything.

I think that at one point in my life, I was complete. I was me, I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted to do, I just knew. Now though, I don’t know anything. I can’t think straight, I can’t get over this feeling that I’ve had for a while. The feeling that my life was on pause, I wasn’t getting better nor was I getting worse. I was just in this current state of false happiness and until something hit play, I was stuck. Stuck in a world of nothing. Then I got pregnant and that was when my ‘play’ button was hit. Suddenly I was stuck with all these choices, all these decisions that I didn’t know how to make. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do. But I realized that the relationship I am in was only false happiness. It wasn’t real. It was just something given to me to help me cope with all the sadness in my life. Just to help me know that I could be happy, I could be extremely happy one day, just right now, I’m not. I don’t know how to really explain it. But until I break away from this, break away from him, I’ll never be truly happy. I know this, every one knows this. But for right now, I need him to help me move on because I have no where else to go. I can do it. I know that I can. I’m just going to take this one step at a time though, I may have to do classes online for a while, unless I can handle going to school and taking care of my daughter while working full time. It’s possible, I know it is and with the help of my family, I know I can do it. Now, all it takes is putting it into action.

My little girl’s name is perfect. Vyenna Alexa (Vee-anna). She is going to be perfect, but she already is perfect in my eyes. I can’t wait to have her in my arms. To be able to hold her and watch her grow and give her all the love she needs and deserves. Just because her father is a piece of work doesn’t mean anything. Because weather or not he’s in her life, she will have all the love in the world from my family and our friends. She is already so loved and so wanted and she isn’t in the world yet. She is just finishing up being made and I hope she loves me just as much as I love her. I would never let anything happen to her. And if anyone messed with her, I’d get them. I love my daughter so much, I am just so happy I get the chance to be a mother to this little girl. I wouldn’t have changed this for anything! And if anything was to be changed, it would be her father. I would rather her father be someone who loves her just as much and tries to get things done for her NAOW! Not wait until she’s here and we have nothing and we’re fucked, basically. That is the type of father she needs, she needs a man as a dad, not a little boy that only cares for himself. Not that at all. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m doing it all. I’ll do whatever it takes for my daughter.

I am so lost. I want real love, but I don’t think I’ll be able to have that. I just.. I want that feeling of being complete and I don’t have that feeling anymore. I don’t know if I ever had it, honestly.

Honestly, I’m really trying here. You know, to be better and to make my life better and all that stuff. But it’s just getting really annoying. To me, I have all these ‘good’ things going on. I have (had) a ‘fiance’ who ‘loves and wants to marry me’ and I have (had) a ‘best’ friend. But everything seems so annoyingly wrong. Like I’ve been dreaming this entire time and I’m not waking up and things only seem to be getting worse. What even is going on right now. Why is this happening?

I don’t understand why someone would go back on what they said. Does she matter THAT much? Does what she thinks still matter to you? Because to me it seems like your doing all of this to please her and do anything to make sure that she’s happy. I understand that she has your daughter and stuff, but really? Reallly?